Claude

Ok, I took another one!

Fri, 22 Mar 2002 01:23:02 GMT

I can't stop taking them. they're so incredibly fun, oh and I was also the yellow life savor!!!

You're Belle!

You are a true bookworm and dream of a life better than the simple, quiet one you lead now. Your good looks can attract the town jerks, but you manage to ignore them most of the time. Sometimes you feel like you're surrounded by idiots. So what are you waiting for? You don't need your father to be kidnapped to get out and see the world. Although you can be stubborn, you're also very compassionate and see beyond people's fa?ades.

I'm Kermit!

Fri, 22 Mar 2002 01:06:25 GMT

That's so cool, although I don't think I match the description, but I don't care, Kermit was my favorite and come to think of it still is!

	You are Kermit! Though you're technically the star, you're pretty mellow and don't mind letting others share the spotlight. You are also something of a dreamer.
*Take the What UMppet Are You?* Quiz!**

He He He! That's what I thought!

Mon, 18 Mar 2002 22:33:54 GMT

I want one soooooooooo much!

You are the classic yellow squeeky toy.

Find your inner rubber ducky.

Nothing Else To Do!

Sun, 17 Mar 2002 22:21:00 GMT

It's five on Sunday, I'm watching Sister Act II and I thought I'd procrastinate some more and not do my Algebra! I can't wait until next year when I'm living in a house and I have more than one small room to hang out in! I can't wait to have a kitchen that's not disgusting with drinking funnels in it and food that's been out on the counter for who knows how long. I can't wait to be able to sleep when I want to, to not have people drunk and screaming outside my door at all hours of the night, I can't wait to not have to take the bus every morning and worry about eating with my friends because that means that I have to wait for the buss out in the night by myself. I can't wait until next year. I just can't wait!! I guess I'd better go do some Algebra so that I can get to next year!

.....

Thu, 14 Mar 2002 00:41:47 GMT

I'm procrastinating...

Mike and I are back together, I know all of you are thinking "my god, they are so pathetic, one week it's the big tragedy, and the next it's all fine and dandy" but hey, I'd rather be with him and be mellow-dramatic then not be with him. Although I haven't seen him since we've been back together, so I'm not really with him... any ways, I'm so tired, I can't sleep and I've reduced to eating about one meal a day now. I don't think that's good, but I'm just not hungry, at least I'm eating a bit??? anyway, I really don't feel like studying for my test tomorrow. I don't expect it to be bad, the first one wasn't and they said that it wasn't going to be as hard as the first on so it should be fine, if I can remember how to do everything, I'm finding that algebra is a lot of memorizing... anyway, I really don't want to study, I want to see Mike and beg for forgiveness, he's the best person in the world, I don't know why he accepted me back, I was such a bitch. and I don't even know why... I just found myself alone without Mike and couldn't stand not being with him, even if it's just the fact that I know that we will be together soon and we're not now. Not being with him was saying that we would never be together and I couldn't stand that, is that stupid?....I'm still a little confused about things, but I know that I love him. I'm hoping that the rest will gradually fall back together with time, I'm just too tired to be stressed about that, that and the fact that I have a lot of other stuff to get stressed about. ok, I'm done my non-sensical rambling now, I'll go study!

Me.

Mon, 11 Mar 2002 16:23:47 GMT

I am so incredibly confused, I have no idea what to do. About anything. I have no control over my feelings, one minute I'll be fine and the next I'm sobbing, and I don't know why, at least not really. I broke up with Mike this week-end, I thought I needed space, some freedom, but now, only two days after doing this, I'm not sure that that's what I want at all. The problem is that I have no idea how I feel about him. It's like, one minute I can't wait to have him in my arms, but the next I wish he would just go away and never bother me again. He is such a great guy, he understands that I need space and has agreed that for the moment, we're just friends, even though I know that that's not what he wants. I envie him, he knows what he wants. I wish someone would just tell me what I want. It would be so much simpler.

Wed, 06 Mar 2002 04:34:09 GMT

How do you know if you love someone?

I'm going to fail

Thu, 28 Feb 2002 23:23:06 GMT

The average for the physics mid term was high this semester, 41/60, so you'd think that I would pass right, wrong, I failed it, I didn't have time to do one of the questions. I never have time to finish exams. I'm not getting anything that's going on in Algebra, nor recently in Calculus. I should just join J section now and re-do the first half of the term, maybe that would help. I'm going to fail Chem mid-term, cause that's another class that's been going over my head, apart from the fact that I don't remember what we did early in the term, I won't do well on the calculus mid-term next week for the same reason. And on top of that, I have to give an oral presentation next week as well, that I really don't have time to prepare, so I'll let my group down. I don't want to bring them down with me too. But I'm horrible at public speaking, I always mumble and my sentences get all messed up because when I'm nervous I start switching words. So basically, I'm going down the drain, everything is peachy. And now I'm done complaining.

Valentine's Day

Wed, 13 Feb 2002 00:15:45 GMT

Up to now, about five seconds ago when Mike sent me this poem:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Just wait until Thursday,
And I'll have a surprise for you.

I wasn't particularly looking forward to Valentine's day, I mean, it's just another Thursday night when I get to do my Calculus assignment because I won't have time to do it tomorrow night owing to my physics mid-term. Mike and I won't even see each other on Thursday. So, although I was excited because this is the first Valentine's day that I actually have someone to celebrate with, I wasn't thrilled about spending another night alone working (and not being able to watch the Olympics.) And although I have no idea whatsoever what he's planning, I can feel myself looking more and more forward to Thursday! Not to mention that I got a very lovely card from Mike in the mail today!

I get to go home on Friday, I got to spend the entire week with the guy I love, and I get to go to Tremblant for a few days, what could be a better thing to look forward to?????

So for the first time in a while, I feel OK, it's a very relieving feeling, like an elephant being lifted off your chest. hehehe, mental picture!! anyway, that's all for now, I have to go study for physics so that I don't fail like I did last semester (although I was very close and above the average!!)

Procrastination

Tue, 29 Jan 2002 01:51:22 GMT

This is me doing it!!!

I have a physics quiz tomorrow and I really don't want to study for it, although I really need to. It's not hard or anything, everything makes sense, but you have to do problems over and over again to just get the hang of it, I whish my studying was just reading and understanding concepts... not doing problems where you have to think about the situation. So I suppose I'd better get to it, other than that I don't have anything to say really. this is me just going on and on because I don't want to go do physics...

Just living (random thoughts)

Wed, 23 Jan 2002 21:43:24 GMT

I was thinking, and I realized how lucky I am to be living right now.

Most things are going well, I don't expect for life, especially university to run completely smoothly.

I'm in a great relationship, with a great guy (thanks Mike).

I'm finally realizing who my true friends are, and realizing that I should patch things up with some old ones (sorry Sabrina).

I'm doing well...
for now, but I know that some feelings will come back, I can't let that haunt me.

I should probably listen to the doctor, I've been told that that doesn't mean that I'm not strong, it means that I need help, and should get it. I can't, I just can't. I don't want to perceive myself as someone who is sick. And listening to the doctor would be admitting it. I'm not sick.

But I don't know if I'm strong enough to survive.

I don't want to keep living one day at a time, that's not sane, what about long term dreams and goals? Can't I have any? I want to.

I don't know if this is going to be public...
I don't think anyone knows about this, except someone. Thanks. you know who you are.

I just have to keep looking forward to something, next year I'll be living in a great house, with people I like, who won't be really loud every single night until 2 AM. I'll have a kitchen, and a room that's bigger than a jail cell.

Just keep looking forward, it will get better. why can't I be living with my friends now?

It will get better, I don't want to keep pretending but I have too. This brings me back to whether I should publish this.

House Issues

Mon, 21 Jan 2002 16:23:05 GMT

As everyone may or may not know, a bunch of friends and I are renting a house next year. One of my friend's parents own the house. We were looking for a fifth person because, with Caroline, we were only four and there are five bedroom's in the house. I was home this week-end, it was great, and I got a call from my friend telling me that she solved our problem. She found a pair, so she decided that she will tell Caroline, who was the last person to join, that she can no longer live with us. I feel so bad, I told Caroline that she could live with us, se needed people, and now whe has nowhere to go. They all promised to help me help her find a new place to live, but I feel so guilty. I don't know what to do. I guess it's not really my fault because I really had no say in it, but maybe if I had stood up more, or if I had found someone...

But now it's too late, it's been decided.

On the up side, we chose bedrooms and I get the best one, the big one upstairs!

Yes, I took the drink test!

Thu, 17 Jan 2002 00:13:29 GMT

</a>
Which drink are you?

The greatest guy in the World

Mon, 14 Jan 2002 16:30:09 GMT

I would just like to thank you, Mike, for helping me this week-end.

I appreciated more than I can say, I don't know what to do to show it.

One day at a time.

Thu, 10 Jan 2002 22:56:26 GMT

A demonstration of why I have chosen not to live with Sabrina was well played out tonight.

Back at Queen's

Thu, 10 Jan 2002 01:35:47 GMT

It's a new year, a new semester, and I'm back at school! I did reasonably well in my first term (I guess) at least that's what everyone is telling me. I got a 71% average, mainly because I physics mark was very low! At least I was average in that class! I'm a little, ok a lot, home sick right now. I guess it's because I got used to eating my meals with my parents and seeing them everyday, and sleeping in my bed, and seeing Mike everyday! But it's a lot better than what it was in September. I'm getting back into the groove of things now. Although my classes are a lot harder now, I don't have to worry about labs, which, in retrospect, I spent way too much time on considering it's a pass or fail course!. I know (I'm relatively sure) where I'm living next year and with who, so that's good. I don't have to worry about looking for a place, which I'm sure would have fallen on my shoulders if I hadn't agreed to live with Heather and Heather. I think that it'll work out pretty well, I really get along with them and hang out in there room when I have a break where I can't return to West Campus. I have a little less class time this semester too, which is a very good thing and I like my schedule a lot better than last term. I'm not a morning person at all!

Mike is on the phone so I'll finish this later!!!

He's so cute!

I want to go home now!!

Fri, 14 Dec 2001 21:52:39 GMT

yup, that's what I'm feeling right now.

I can't wait to go home and see my family, and Mike. I hope I get to see my cousins too. They're so cute! I can't wait to go Christmas shopping, I can't wait to spoil my brother and Mike, and I can't wait to be spoiled! This year's holiday season is going to be so good. And I won't have any school work to do at all. I should get familiar with the technology conference I'll be attending this January, but that's fun. I can't wait to read everything I can get my hands on that. I have four days left until I go home. I wish the Chemistry exam was on Sunday, that would mean that I could go home a day early. Although I do get to go and pick up my GPA (Golden Party Armour) this week-end, but I'm not dying it purple as is customary because I don't know if I want to yet, I can always do it later if I want to. There's also the thing about ruining a very expensive jacket that I paid for out of my own pocket! I'm that much in the hole right now, but it doesn't matter, I really want that jacket!! I can't wait to go home, what am I going to do for two whole days here, I know I have to study but I'm just so sick of that right now, I don't want to anymore. aaahhhh!!!!

Only four days left!

Then it's Christmas and I get to go shopping for all my friends and family, and see all my family and friends and spend as much time with Mike as is physically possible!

:)

CUTC

Tue, 11 Dec 2001 18:16:18 GMT

The Canadian Undergraduate Technology Conference

I applied to go as a Queen's delegate not expecting to be picked, I mean, I had nothing to say about past involvement with the University, and I put myself in the "new to technology" section because, let's face it, I don't know much about anything like that. Just because I can use a computer, it doesn't mean I have any idea of how it works! In fact, my computer is being stupid right now and I have no idea why, I'll have to go crawling to my father for him to fix it! Those are just a few reasons why I didn't expect at all to get selected to go. But I got the e-mail today, when I got up, I made it! It's going to be so great!

Exams

Sat, 08 Dec 2001 23:06:48 GMT

I just had my Calculus exam, I'm pretty sure it went well, I think I did well. It just seemed a little too easy. What if I was so clueless as to what they were asking that I had no concept of what to do so I just did the simple thing I know how to do! It only took me two and a half hours to do it, I'm usually the last to leave never having finished a math exam since grade nine. Could it be that this exam was easier than my OAC Calculus exam? So now I have to study for geology, I hope I do well on that exam, there's just so many things to remember by heart. And then there's physics, I still don't get simple harmonic motion, and the work energy theorem. I can only fit so much in my brain! Well at least my first exam went well!

My Birthday

Wed, 21 Nov 2001 21:25:23 GMT

Happy birthday to me!

It was yesterday. No one said that to me. What a great birthday it was, I got up, went to class, then came home and did homework. No one remembered, (or cared?) I guess it doesn't really matter that I'm 19 now, I don't go out and drink so apart from being able to go out and buy beer for my father now, nothing's changed. Who cares? Apparently no one.

I wish I was home, at least I had friends who remembered my birthday there, at skating, at home.

Change

Wed, 07 Nov 2001 00:08:34 GMT

If it wasn't obvious to anyone reading live journal. Sabrina and I had some rough weeks. Which eventually lead to me switching rooms. I live at the West Campus of Queen's University now, in a single room, on a very quiet floor now. The day before I moved, on which day my mom was suppose to come up to Kingston and help me move, my mom had two strokes, one on each side of the brain. The doctors have never seen that and she will likely go to Calgary to utilize an experimental brain imaging/scanning device. (Lucky my father works for the National Research Council) So in one week, I had that very fragile relationship with Sabrina, the rest of my floor filling in the gaps of the story and coming to there own reasons as to which I was leaving, my friends not wanting me to leave the floor, my un satisfaction of leaving, the mid-term stresses, and at the end of the week, the possibility that my mom would die. As it was that serious. So as it happens, I had to move, Mike's father came up to Kingston and moved me to my new room, and possibly give me a ride back to Ottawa. A piece of good news, from the sparse conversation I had with my dad that afternoon, I decided that I would not come home until the next week-end as my mom was, thank goodness, out of life threatening danger. Mike stayed the night, which was a really good thing because I don't know how I would have fared a night by my self in a new room and not knowing how my mom was doing, knowing that she was sick in the hospital with possible permanent brain damage. My mom did phone on Saturday night, and although I had trouble understanding what she was saying sometimes, she seemed coherent and in a good mood. So now, with the new challenges that my family faces everyday, and the fact that I'm on a new floor, a lot has changed in the past few weeks. Now that I've procrastinated this much, I should really get to work! Thanks to everyone who helped me, the people whom I count on, sometimes too much, everyday. I love every one of you.

Lonely, I guess...

Sun, 14 Oct 2001 21:48:20 GMT

Well, it's the end of another wonderful week-end spent with Mike, and all I have to look forward too is a lot of homework, a quiz, an exam and tones of classes. And no Mike at all. As I looked his taxi turn the corner I just felt like I would do anything to be back at home, with the people to care about me, with friends, with skating, with happiness. It's been almost two months now and I just feel like I'm drowning, I can't get any air. I just can't survive like this. I can't keep hiding how I really feel. Sabby's going to read this and I don't know how she's going to react. The fact that Mike and my parents are really scared of what I might do is really scaring me, no one trusts me and it's not helping. I said good bye to the doctor years ago, I don't want to go back, for this. Lot's of people go away to University and have a great time, it's the best time of their lives, what's wrong with me? Am I doomed to be alone all my life. I know this sounds bad, I should stop feeling sorry for myself, but I have to write this. I can't keep it all in. I tried to tell Mike last week, but that didn't work, it just made me feel worse, at least this way no one can hurt me, I don't have to say anything, I'm just getting this off my chest. I don't know if I'll ever feel better by this point. I haven't felt really happy for two months, even when I'm with Mike, there's always the thought that I only have him for a few hours, he has to leave soon. Why can't I have just stayed in Ottawa, at least I have friends there, that I don't see all day everyday. Sabrina is a great room-mate, but as all people do, I guess because I'm really stubborn and (most people think) anti-social, she can sometimes get on my nerves. She's so lucky, she has Dave right there, she can always count on someone being there when she needs a hug, when she's having a really bad day, she has someone to hold, she doesn't have to hide it because she's not trying to make friends. I just wish Mike was here. I could have company when I eat. I wouldn't have to feel like a total nerd, loner, pathetic person walking into the cafeteria alone knowing that no one wants to eat with me. And I guess I know that that's not true, they just forget about me, that's all, but that's not that much better. Am I really that invisible, no one remembers, or cares, where I am and if I want to eat with them. I know I can't expect to be invited every night, that's not what I'm after, they don't have to eat with me every night. But it would be nice of them to ask once-in-a-while, when Sabrina isn't in the room. They come and ask her, that's the only reason I get to go sometimes. Well, I guess I'm done, pretty pathetic isn't it! I guess so. But at least you read this of your own choice, you could have stopped reading at any point, I didn't annoy you by making you listen while you had homework and other stuff on your mind. So if you did read all of this, you know how I feel. And that's it. I'm done now, I have a lot of homework to do and at least I get to look forward to a phone call from Mike later. But I'd rather he be here to give me a hug.

My Robot

Tue, 09 Oct 2001 22:50:40 GMT

I took this test to see what robot I was most like and that's who I identify most with, apparently!! Isn't that cool. So if you want to take the test, click an R2D2, the best robot in the universe in my opinion!

Life at Queens

Sat, 22 Sep 2001 00:09:39 GMT

I'm now settled into life in residence. And it's not that I'm not enjoying it, but there are some things that are really starting to get on my nerves, and the fact that I'm constantly busy doing stuff, whether it's just cleaning my dishes or doing that Maple worksheet, is not helping me calm down and relax. There is just so much stuff to do. I had a day with ten hours of class this week. That was definitely not enjoyable! I was particular miserable after coming back from my last class at eight on that day. It's a good thing that Mike was there because I was really starting to freak. Sabby isn't exactly the most independent of people and since she wasn't feeling well all of this week, she was even less so which is kind of hard for me because I'm not used to constantly having to take care of someone. Sometimes I whish I had a single room, but then I think I'd be rather bored if I was alone and it's really nice to have someone to talk to and since she's taking all the same courses as I am, it's useful to have someone to talk about problems with homework. That's another thing that I find strange. I seem to be doing homework all the time, but no one else seems to. Sabrina is never doing homework, at least not that I've noticed. I do like University, It's great. I like the freedom, unfortunately, I don't get to take full advantage of it since I'm always busy doing homework!!! And my classes, well most of them, are interesting and it's not like they're impossible, they just have such an incredible work load! How can anyone get ahead, I'm having to struggle just to keep up! What doesn't help is the fact that no one ever seems to sleep. Am I the only one with eight-thirty classes? How can you go to bed at 3 AM, be drunk, and get up for class the next day. I can't do that and I miss sleep so much, I want sleep! Other than those few complaints, and I think that I'm just really tired and stressed right now so they seem a lot more significant than they actually are (at least I hope so), life is good. I'm slowly getting over my homesickness simply because I speak to my mom practically every night, I think that she misses me as much if not more than I miss her and that I get to see Mike every (at least up to now and I hope it stays that way!) week-end. So University, apart from being a lot of work, stressfully, noisy and far from Mike is the greatest challenge of my life up to now and I'm loving it!

It's been a while!!!

Tue, 11 Sep 2001 18:55:39 GMT

Wow, so much has happened!

I'm actually at University now, at Queen's and up to now, apart from feeling overwhelmed by everything, it's been challenging and interesting. I think I'll survive, I can overcome this challenge. Other people have done it, I can. I am homesick, but I feel better than I did last week and if this continues, I should get over it soon. The fact that Mike and I and great, I'll see him relatively often and the commitment that we can and will make this work is helping me cope. I actually do have class soon so I will be going!

Hey everyone all over Canada now, I'll write soon, and we'll see each other at Christmas!